Will you be my Alba?

While many of us consider ourselves normal, there’s a distinctly freaky element out there – and seemingly no country is immune. Recently, a 21 year old Chinese girl named Xiaoqing has declared she is going to undertake plastic surgery in order to make her face as near as possible to that of American actress Jessica Alba. Why you ask? To get back her ex-boyfriend of course…duh!

See if you can spot which look is based on Jessica Alba!

Xiaoqing’s ex was openly obsessed with Jessica Alba and posters and photos in his phone were simply not cutting it. For Christmas he purchased Xiaoqing a blonde wig, and along with fake eye-lashes, had her looking as Alba’esque as possible – but it wasn’t enough. One day as she was strolling through Shanghai – decked out in her Alba gear, Xiaoqing noticed people pointing and laughing at her, and that was the final straw. With the wig and eye-lashes discarded on the ground, she reverted to her former, Asian self. That was too much for her ex however, who called off the relationship and returned to the warmth of his poster collection.

Unfortunately for Xiaoqing, her heart yearned for this strapping young man, and she announced that she would do whatever it took to get him back – in this case, having eyebrow lifting, eyelid reshaping and a nose reconstruction – all modelled on Jessica Alba herself.

When Jessica Alba herself heard of this, she was not impressed.

 “I think you should never have to change yourself like that. If somebody loves you, they’ll love you no matter what,” she said.

I guess some people believe in love more than the rest of us…and here I was thinking Octomom’s Angelina Jolie replication efforts were bizarre…

The nature of monkey is irrepressible!

Hands up if you didn’t happen to watch Monkey Magic when you were a child? Hell, even just thinking about the fantastic old show sent a wave of goose bumps down my arm. The particularly dinky yet ridiculously awesome old Japanese show was based on the epic Chinese tale; Journey to the West, written by Wu Cheng’en in 16^th Century China.

Recently I read the Penguin translation of the title, named simply, ‘Monkey.’ Here we have an abridged English version of Wu Cheng’en’s classic tale, and whilst it is quite brief, it is highly enjoyable from start to finish.

It tells of the tale of a particularly devout Buddhist priest by the name of Tripitaka, who along with his three disciples must travel on foot from China to India in order to collect a series of scriptures from Buddha, thus also finding enlightenment.

Whilst initially starting out with a handful of mortal disciples, Tripitaka is soon captured by a band of ogres and his disciples are promptly eaten. As he progresses, with a little divine intervention, he is soon joined by Monkey, Pigsy and Sandy, three heavenly beings who are doing penance for various mis-deeds in their past – most notably of these, Monkey, who is by far and away one of the most enjoyable characters you will come across.

The nature of monkey is irrepressible they say, and it is precisely true. Much of the first half of the book details Monkey’s rise to power and then his insane misbehaviour in the realms of heaven. Monkey, or ‘The Great Sage Equal of Heaven’ – a title in which he forces the Jade Emperor to bestow on him at the risk of further mischief, is a hilarious character. As violent and playful as he is intelligent, like his real life counter-parts, he is unpredictable and amusing.

Monkey’s counter-part Pigsy, is likewise a joy to behold, whose main value is his strength and ability to almost eat without pause, and is constantly feeling injustice at the hands of Monkey, and always looking for ways to play pranks on him. The bantering that goes on between these two is wonderful, and if anything, I wish there was more of it.

While the book is a pleasant read, it is only really a taster of the real story to which I now plan on hunting down a copy in all its glorious detail. It’s a light read and purely fable and if you’re going to remotely enjoy it, leave your realities at the door. One of the things I enjoyed most about the story was the description of all the heavenly beings; which cover everything from the Dragon King who has a palace at the bottom of a well, to the little boy responsible for making wind, to the fact that death can be negated by negotiating with the King of the dead. Everything you can think of has some divine being associated with it, and the level of detail and seriousness in which they are described is endearingly fun.

If you watched the old TV show, you owe it to yourself to rekindle those old memories and pick up a copy of this book. If you have no idea what any of this is about and even a mote of interest in a famous Chinese story, then I highly recommend it.

The chains of love

In what can only be described as Chinese Child Care, father Chen Chuanliu; an unlicensed Beijing rickshaw rider, must chain his two year old son, Lao Lu, to a pole, each time he sets out on a fare for fear of losing him. Making a mere few dollars per day, and with a disabled wife who is forced to roam the streets for recyclable rubbish, Chen is a migrant worker from Sichuan province, and has few options to protect his son from child stealers; an issue that is rampant throughout China. It was only recently that his four year old daughter Ling was stolen, and without even a photograph of her, he has no way of even putting up lost child posters.

This kind of story is humorous at a glance, but when you dig deeper into the specifics, it tells of the hardship that affects literally millions of Chinese every day – particularly those migrant workers who have come into the cities from the countryside. While to Chen and his family it is simply life and must be dealt with as it comes, for him, looking after his family is the most important thing.

Child stealing is a massive issue in China, with children being sold to those people who cannot have their own – or worse, as cheap labour in remote mines. Thousands of children are stolen each year, with most of them never being seen again by their original families. With both mother and father working, what options are left? Once concerned individuals noticed the chained child, authorities ordered the chains to be removed, but is leaving a two year old, alone in a 9 ft single room apartment any better?

China is a fascinating country, where explosive growth is taking it into an unknown future, but despite all the glitz and glamour of the modern business centre’s and high-rises’, at the core is often extreme poverty – a problem that is not going to resolve itself anytime soon.

Mandarin Chinese – Frustrating fulfillment

I am trying my hardest to learn Mandarin. Years ago when I was in school, I studied French for over three years, and now, some fifteen years later, I can barely speak a handful of words in that particular language. With Mandarin however, I would say I have been learning now for at least two years, and while my progress has increased, I am still very much a beginner.

Unlike my French tuition; which were proper classes, my Chinese study has been purely based on my own initiative. I haven’t had to feel the need to endure classes and to do homework – and probably as a result have learnt a lot less. Though I know a range of different things, I feel that the all important conversation is still frustratingly elusive in that, every time I learn a few more phrases, they don’t seem particularly conversational. It is my goal to achieve a small degree of fluency – at least enough that I can hold a proper conversation and stumble on through it, rather than comprehending next to nothing.

My original incentive to learn Chinese was because of the fact we were going to live in China – hell, it doesn’t get much more logical than that. During the process of learning, both myself and Courtney developed a keen interest in the language itself, which has continued until present – some 12+ months after returning home. While we live in a suburb that has a particularly large Chinese population (one of the things that drew us here), and hear people speaking Chinese practically every day, we still feel too shy to actually use it.

The main problem is, we do not know enough to actually respond. While I might be able to surprise a Chinese person with my good accent and pronunciation with the initial question – when they actually respond they are rewarded with a blank look – not unlike a stunned mullet.

The bulk of my learning has been done via audio courses, where I will listen and learn in places like the car or train. We have also attended various classes – even some in China – though I find other students to be particularly annoying, as with Chinese it is critical to pronounce things properly, and when the whole class is saying it at once, you can hardly tell if you’re even close. It’s hard enough to pronounce most Chinese words even solo.

We also paid a local Chinese woman some money to teach us for a few weeks, though she moved away which took that particular aspect away. We sorely wanted someone to hear us speak, to help us speak, and to give us feedback. Recently I have discovered via a webpage a great online community which is full to the brim of people looking for language partners. Here people use Skype to communicate with each other, and you can practically pick any language and find someone to practice with. I have tried this multiple times now and while it is immensely satisfying to converse in Chinese, it also shows me precisely how little I actually know. Nothing clears the head faster than being presented with a real live native speaker! I am developing a knack for forgetting precisely everything I have learned each time I attempt it.

Regardless of all of the above, I absolutely love learning this language. If anything, I wish I had started years ago, so that now I would be at a much higher level. It is challenging, and feels like an unscaleable mountain, but with each little chip away at its side, I make small amounts of progress.

Chinese tennis assault!

Zheng Jie

The Australian Open concludes today, with the much anticipated battle between world number 1, Roger Federer, taking on UK hopeful, no.5, Andy Murray. While I am sure most of England (who has no problem claiming the Scot as their victory drought breaker) will be behind Murray; personally I’d like to see Federer destroy him.

On another note, the Open has been great for Chinese tennis, in particular Zheng Jie and Li Na, both of which made it to the semi-finals – only to be eliminated in very different ways. Li Na was put up against the veritable mountainous Serena Williams – and one would assume would be drilled accordingly – but not so! Li Na truly took it to the American champion, and while losing, the game could have gone any way.

On the other side of the fence, Zheng Jie (who I had the pleasure of watching last season), came up against Justine Henin – who is newly returned to the game from a some two year ‘finding herself’ period. Making it to the semi’s was likewise a first for Zheng, instantly propelling her to Chinese stardom back home – but unfortunately, unlike comrade Li – Zheng was textbook destroyed, 6-1, 6-0 with what was described as a clinical victory for Henin.

Li Na - Check out those arms...

While in China, many of my students mentioned that they loved the tennis, and I was always only too happy to discuss it with them. It makes me happy to think that these two woman’s tennis players will no doubt be their next heroes. While last year, they might have said Federer was their favourite – this year, I have no doubt that Li  and Zheng are getting honourable mentions.

If there’s one thing about China and sport however, there is no doubt that on the backs of these victories, it could potentially fuel massive funding into developing future tennis stars. China is all about harvesting the glory – and it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if within the next ten years, more and more Chinese players appeared on the scene – each seeking their own little slice of cultural pride.

Give us back our Avatar!

Since the announcement that Avatar was being yanked from 2D screens across the country, there have been outcries across  Chinese internet from angry fans – many of which believe that it was rather to promote the new release of Chow-Yun Fat’s latest movie, ‘Conficius’, which unlike Avatar, is most definitely patriotic.

It’s not like it’s a real issue however, as already there would be millions of pirated copies of Avatar on the streets of China. Take your local Blockbuster store; full of dvds – take away those dvd’s and replace them all with pirated copies, and you’ll have the kind of stores that you can find in practically every location. It’s actually quite amazing the level of work that goes into creating the packaging for these pirate copies – particularly when you consider how cheap they are to purchase.

Avatar – thought provokingly dangerous.

Over the past few weeks, the release of Avatar has seen yet another James Cameron movie storm to the top, pulling in over a billion dollars and possibly (if not already) becomming the highest grossing film in history. James Cameron seemingly cant lose when it comes to making movies, having created some absolute classics, and I can say that I too am a fan of his work.

Having been somewhat sceptical myself of this latest blockbuster, I was refreshingly surprised by just how good Avatar actually was. I was certain from the trailers that it would be all fx, no substance; not unlike George Lucas’s abortive Star Wars prequels. The opposite was true however, and whilst the story wasn’t particularly original, it was suitably epic, and the world that James Cameron created was simply mind-blowing.

Now Avatar also had the honour of being one of a small selection of foreign movies to be released in China. Every year only a certain amount are allowed to be screened in what I assume is the result of vigorous censorship. I saw Iron Man whilst living in China and it was heavily edited in parts – and since seeing an unedited version, some of the removed scenes were completely odd, and this particular whitie cant make sense of it.

Avatar was released in 2D and 3D (go see it in 3d, seriously!) across China, and as of the 23 January, will cease playing on 2D screens in China. As only a handful of cinema’s in China are equipped for 3D, this effectively means that the general release across the country has been canned.

Why do you ask? Well supposedly, the plight of the native Na’Vi in Avatar is a little too close to comfort for the Chinese government. As the blue skinned race is in danger of losing their homes from power hungry mega-corporations, it is drawing uncomfortable parallel’s with reality, with the millions of Chinese who have been forcibly removed from their homes by developers. As with all issues that can possibly invoke feelings other than those of a dog on a leash, the government has stepped in and pulled the plug. Sometimes, I can only shake my head at the antics of the Chinese government. I only hope that one day, the people really do wake up and realise that their lives are being dictated from above – though considering it’s been that way for thousands of years, it’s possible that will not happen anytime soon.

For everyone else who can see Avatar in cinemas, I highly recommend it.

One year on:

I have just realised that this site is now exactly one year and two days old and damn, does time fly. Since that time, we passed the one year anniversary of our return from China which forces us to reflect on everything we have achieved since. Depressingly – well partially anyway – we haven’t come all that far since when we left off, and the whole venture to that other most interesting of countries, didn’t change as much as we would have liked.

On one hand, Courtney has changed more than me, though it’s funny how quickly we get back into new routines. I myself have found my way into a different industry, but the work itself is not what I would call ideal, and I had hoped things would be otherwise. Then again, we have just entered into a new decade, and with various activities on the side, I hope this next ten years brings considerably more change than the previous.

Beyond that, life is good. Both of us still maintain a heavy interest in Chinese culture, news and current affairs, and continue to spend time learning Mandarin. We’re still not conversational, but between us we know quite a lot now, and I would be interested to return to China to test just how far we’ve come.

We still struggle with actually speaking the language however, as even though we live in a suburb that has a huge Chinese population; so much so that when we go into town, we once more feel more in the minority (except this time we enjoy it!), and despite the fact we hear spoken Chinese all around us, we still never seek to actually use the language, feeling absolutely foolish whenever given the opportunity. I bet there are devout learners out there who use it to order meals in restaurants, or when dealing with various shop-keepers, but not us.

It cracked me up the other day how I specifically was talking to Courtney about random things we have learned. While we can not hold a proper conversation as such, we do know a considerable amount of Mandarin snippets. Is that your pen? Those adults are running. What is that? It’s a cat! How much is this? That’s too expensive! Where is the restaurant? Is it far? yadda yadda yadda…..specifically though, I said to her, “It’s funny, we know so many things, but never really anything relevant. Like we’d go to China and have no use for, How many people in your family?”

And then Courtney goes into Box Hill and is buying groceries from one of the local Chinese supermarkets. An old guy working on the register was super chatty and asked her specifcally, “How many people are in your family!”

And goddamn if we both don’t know how to answer that in Chinese! I definitely had a go at her over that one, talk about perfectly missed opportunity! Then again, I likely wouldnt have either, but…I wish I could have!

Anyway, happy one year and two days Life After China, sorry I have been neglecting you lately!

Happy Site Birthday!

In my next life, please don’t let me come back as..

…A Chinese miner or perhaps worse, an employee of a Chinese fireworks factory! Friday saw yet another explosion in a Chinese fireworks factory, reportedly killing nine workers and destroying seven buildings. Obviously this is the prime time of the year for the Chinese fireworks industry, with the Chinese New Year just a month away it’s time to stockpile en masse, yet as we see almost every year – and sometimes multiple times, there seems to be little in the way of safety procedures.

Fireworks may be wonderful to look at, and the Chinese; who happened to invent them, set them off to celebrate an absolute plethora of occasions, but despite their colourful charm, they are also extremely dangerous. Only recently in Australia, a man barely survived one going off in his face, losing most of said face and a whole bunch of teeth. They’re banned in Australia for a reason – though that doesn’t stop people from trying to set off their own little shows.

While in China, I witnessed many local firework displays with absolutely no care for safety. They approached them like a child would,  excited and completely without regard for safety. I have to wonder what goes in the fireworks factories to chance set them off, and while I have no idea what caused it, my money’s on a worker taking a time-out with a cigarette, surrounded by combustibles.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow! Again!

What better way to enjoy the snow than in downtown Beijing! No I am not referring to the Government created snowstorms that created havoc in the city mere weeks ago, but the Happy Snow and Ice Season carnival that is now on at the Birds Nest.

Boasting a 5130 metre area of one metre thick man-made snow, for 180rmb you can enjoy ice skating, skiing, and snowboarding and of course, dog sled races.

It’s reported that it takes upwards of 16,000 cubic litres of water to create the snow, in a city that has been suffering from severe drought and water shortages for years now. The carnival is incentive by the Government to recover some of the 70 million rmb it costs to run the entire complex on a yearly basis.

Initially the complex was attracting over 50,000 people per day, likely masses of highly patriotic Chinese tourists in the wake of the Olympics, but now it’s down to a mere several thousand and is quickly turning into a money sink.

Who knows, by this time next year the entire complex might be bulldozed in favour of high-rise apartments, or perhaps a Great Wall themed amusement park, either way, I gobble up little news items such as this with amused interest, the randomness never gets old.